.resolutions.
8:03 p.m. || 2004-09-30
Pearlyn's [horrible] Scores for her Prelims:
English - A2
Chinese - C6
Elementary Mathematics - D7
Additional Mathematics - F9
Biology - C5
Chemistry - D7
Geography - F9
Combined Humanties - E8
CCA - A1
L1R5: 35
L1R4: 21
Pearlyn's Modded Scores for Prelims:
English - A2
Chinese - C6
Elementary Mathematics - C5
Additional Mathematics - F9
Biology - B4
Chemistry - C5
Geography - D7
Combined Humanities - C6
L1R5: 28
L1R4: 17
[mood: :/ 
]
God gave me Amanda for a reason.
I was very, very pissed in the Lecture Theatre when I got back my A Maths today (to which I got a grand total of 34% for) and I didn't want to talk to anyone or look at anything or even breathe. I was self-centred even after I went out of there, it was only through sharing a bowl of HorFun with Eunice did I calm myself down. Every word spoken to me slipped out like sand through fingers, and I really, genuinely hated everything about myself.
But you know what?
God sent Man along to approach me first. So thankyou God. Or I might have hit someone really badly.
There's alot of frustration. Why I'm making a big deal about this particular paper is not really a big mystery. I've never really been upset to the point of tears about my marks (save for the time in Sec 3 when I got my Chinese test for lesson 12), and I was never the type to whine or moan about how much points I got, I never groaned about getting a C6 for Math, I never got so mad about getting 49.1 for Chem, a subject which I've always passed.
The moment I got back my papers, call it a defeatist's attitude, but I felt as small as that little fibre of carpet under my shoe. I shushed the people around because I'm agitated by sound when it's inappropriate, and I stared blankly at the big remote-controlled scroll screen. I didn't know why I wanted to pay attention when the focus just kept running away.
I don't think it's alright to tell someone that everything's going to be ok when they get back a really crappy paper they were expecting to excel in. Or even pass, crawl over the measely thin line of a result that stamps 'adequately educated student' on your back.
I don't think it's alright to say it's not so bad when someone has a thirty something mark, when someone's frustrated that they missed a higher grade by a decimal point. I don't think it's even right to say anything at all when someone feels like dying over their terrible scores.
But I think it's alright to say, "work harder" even if it's really annoying, because that's what everyone has to do. And I think it's alright to have nothing to say and offer a sturdy shoulder to cry on, or for a pair of open arms to fold around you for a hug.
But I don't think it's right to blame everyone except for yourself.
Everything bad that's happened is my fault. Everything good that's happened is thanks to God. And He helps by surrounding me with good people. God sends me a lot of good people to cheer me up.
I bumped into Mrs LowYiLan today who surprisingly, offered me quite alot of comfort. She talked about having a forte in certain things, and I think I felt alot better after that. Thanks Mrs Low.
And they day before, there was a bunch of 4GY people who walked extra-slow as we all made our way to the canteen. I was alone, again. Then suddenly Miss Regina Lee came up and made a comment about 4GY girls (which ha, was not so nice but smile-worthy for me) and we talked about having positive outlook on things. After Mrs LowYiLan, I met MrsNiceChan who actually didn't scold me for my marks, but instead sent me words of encouragement my way.
God, You're really nice to me, you know that? T'was only few occassions that I recognised the hidden blessings I received.
I guess Eunice was right about the sense of hopelessness theory, that when we get our efforts thrown back in our faces in the form of fails. Just all the little hope left drains out of the body temporarily.
When I came home, all words such as 'bloody', 'stupid', 'useless', 'hell', 'damn' and 'idiot' flew towards me to smack me upside my head in the form of the words spoken,
You've never put in any effort
Honestly, I've never felt so miserable in my life. Especially being put down by my father. My brother is never around to see it; I wish he was, so he would know that I'm not really the favoured one by dad. But comfort came in the form of 'mom'. I guess there's always an upside to everything when there's a big tumble.
I don't know about you people, but in this time of darkness, I wouldn't want to fall deeper into an abyss of self-wallowing and 'I-should-haves'. I guess I may only be able to crawl towards the power switch and light my whole tunnel up. Who cares about the light at the end of the tunnel, when you can see everything around you. Wait. I'm confusing myself. Mannerisms, mannerisms.
Exams are so terrible. But I don't mind them, I suppose. I just have to thank God for everything He's given me and for helping me pull through.
Which reminds me, I attempted my first het fic (in the form of Athena/Kensou) in a long, long time. Still no breakage from HPDM links though.
Work harder. Don't give up. Chase your dreams.
Oh well. Happy birthday to Man today, and Jas tomorrow. Happy birthday. I love you.
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No. A person doesn't just wake up and stop loving somebody! ~Buffy, "I Only Have Eyes For You"
